RCIA – An Extended Season of Darkness

I’m slacking. I know! I have to do a major update on my RCIA journey so I’ll do it in two different posts to keep it in order.

This post is to play catch up from week 1 and my “homework” assignment.

I was tasked with putting my story together of how I came to RCIA. I’m not talking about driving in my car, lol. They want to know my spiritual journey and what led me to RCIA.

I really wanted to blurt it all out that first night, because I KNOW my story since inception; I live(d) it daily. BUT protocol is protocol so be patient I MUST.. (biggest failure in my daily life is patience – pray for me!)

Instead of writing my entire life story, as I did for class, I’ll just bullet point it in past/present/future. If you want more information or want to hear the stories behind them please ask! I’m NOT afraid to tell my story to anyone.

PAST:

  • Child of divorced parents (traumatic for a young child) (age 6-10)
  • 3 Rape attempts, 1 sexual assault all by guys I knew (age 13-27).
  • Bullied in school from 6th to high school graduation (age 10-18).
  • 1 really really atrocious 1st marriage to an abusive alcoholic (age 25-27).
  • 3 Suicide attempts (age 30).
  • Nervous breakdown caused by an underlying and unknown health issue (age 30).
  • Severe anxiety/panic/depression (age 29-41).

As you can naturally imagine my “faith” wasn’t strong back then. In fact, I blamed God for everything WRONG, and questioned WHY!? CONSTANTLY! I guess looking back on it I could relate to Job, but just not his faith. Looking at these bullet points doesn’t put the gravity of these stories into the light AT ALL, and not only that there were other things swirling around in the universe that, albeit not traumatic, they certainly were adding to the stress of my life. Layoffs from jobs, car accidents, vehicle thefts, unfaithful friends and boyfriends, This list is endless. When people say they are in a bad season I can relate. But I didn’t just have a “bad season” I had a bad 30+ years nonstop. If it wasn’t Life throwing a bowling ball at me, it was a health issue which caused a lot of stress and altered my way of life for extended periods of time up until about 3 years ago, but I digress.

When I spoke of these atrocities in my life, the women guiding me through RCIA were nearly shocked. Not because of what had happened (although I can imagine some of that shock is from that) but the fact that I was even THERE in the first place. WHY would someone that endured so much in a neverending fashion be looking to God and be so full of faith? Most people would sour and turn away completely, yet here I am.

Retrospectively speaking, all of those incidents have a role to play in shaping and molding me in my daily life, even now. Also, it’s not JUST me He’s worked(ing) in, he also uses me as a messenger in some pretty interesting ways. But more about that in a little bit. Tara, keep your focus here!

Job 42:2, 5
I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

Since the question of the past was now answered I offered some retrospect to all of that pain. My darkest hours were when I was going through the health crisis “season” of my life. That afforded my Father the opportunity to enter back into my life to help his baby girl. Since he left at a critical age, I turned to guys to fill that void in my life, so naturally, I made extremely poor choices. My former marriage being that catalyst to it all, but if not for that marriage, I certainly wouldn’t’ be the woman I am now, and I certainly wouldn’t have the relationship with my Father that I have now. My Father was there for me in my darkest. He took me to all of my doctor appointments because I was not capable of driving, nor did my doctors want me to. He called me every day multiple times a day to make sure I was ok. He stopped by to pick me up to bring me to his house to get me a change of scenery. Most people say, well yeah that is what a parent should do! Ahhh my friend, but that’s usually NOT the case with most parents. As you can see I didn’t mention my mom in all of this even though it was her that I was living with after escaping my former husband, but I digress.

Because of the love and caring and support my father gave me for such a long time in my darkness it greatly healed my inner child allowing her to grow up. I didn’t feel so alone anymore, so full of sadness and grief. So if I wanted to add my faith to the mixture of my backstory here it would be that God did this TOO me to help ME and also to help MY DAD fix something that was deeply broken and that my Dad had a severe and longing regret about. HE righted a wrong that was brought on by a failing of man.

Also, during that time, God worked overtime to make sure I stayed here on Earth and he did it through divine intervention. I remember all of this like it was yesterday. The start of all of this was when I wasn’t sleeping. I mean not a wink for 30 days!!! I was the poster child for death at this point, and my doctors couldn’t figure out why, and they couldn’t get me to sleep even with the strongest medications. They were shocked. I was a medical mystery because they told me I shouldn’t even be alive at this point or I should be in a critical type of condition because the body cannot go that long without rest. Yeah well, HERE I AM!

Job 10:18
Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me.

Finally, on day 31 I managed 20 minutes of sleep. Not consecutive. Day 32 the same. Day 33 I was up to 25 minutes of sleep. It wasn’t until about day 42 that I actually got close to 2 hours for the entire day. That’s also when I felt a “presence” in the room with me that I am going to equate to God, but it wasn’t all happy and fluffy feeling. It felt like he was going to take me. I YELLED AND YELLED AND YELLED! AND CURSED HIM! and I also told him He can’t have me! Mhwuahahahahah. I guess my temper tantrum worked because here I am! LOL just kidding, but seriously it was that day that I decided I couldn’t do it anymore as well. The very next day I wrote my goodbye letter, picked out my burial outfit and made my plan to do it an hour after mom went to work so that there was no way she would come home unexpectedly and thwart my mission. But see. The big man has a way of doing things on his own. Instead of my mom coming home from work, HE sent my BFF knocking unexpectedly. Ya see she is a police officer, and she happened to be working my district that day and decided to check in to see if I needed anything. Mmmhmmm… yep…  That’s how HE works! He did this for the next 2 attempts as well. Same person, same knock, same reason. Now I’m sitting around like a kid that is pouting because she didn’t get that Barbie for Christmas. I can’t even kill myself! Is what I was rambling about in my head.. Such BS!

See, THAT is what HE does. At the time I was cursing him up and down, back and forth, left and right, and front and back. I was pissed. I couldn’t live normal and feel normal, hell I couldn’t even sleep, something a human does without even thinking about. I want to end it all and WHAM! a big fat oh no you don’t! Oh, I cursed Him. I can’t even describe to you the words I used! lmao! I laugh now, but oh was I dead serious back then. A lot of that had to do with how I viewed God. I viewed him as a punisher. My parents screwed up so let’s punish their kids! I don’t look at it that way anymore. I haven’t for quite a while now. Now I relate to him and view him as love, patience, and light. A parent full of patience who never gives up on His children no matter what.

Please tell me, my friend! What does your backstory look like? Did you have an extremely long and dark season like myself? Or was your season a quick but brutal one? Did you even have one? Are you going through one now?! Do/did you view God as a punisher? Or one of Love? Please tell me! I want to hear your story! Please tell me in the comments below! xoxo

Because this post is lengthy I’m going to post tomorrow about “THE PULL” to RCIA and what that looked like!

One thought on “RCIA – An Extended Season of Darkness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s